Spent

I’m running from the same thing I was a year ago

The same song is playing, I’m in the same place.

It could be worse, I try to tell my face,

But sometimes the same is worse than worse pain.

I’m still in the dark, and still slowly drowning.

I’m still clinging to a vast hopeful of nothing

I’m loving the rain and the cold and the snow

‘Cause sometimes cold thinks there’s something it knows.

The train tracks and chemicals, pills, ropes, and cliffs,

They mock me with every step that I take.

They tell me I’m too weak, or too small, or too low.

They show me how easy it would be to go.

I try to cry out but instead I make do,

Because they can’t hear me- or maybe they do.

I must be invisible, long gone, or dead,

Maybe I ceased and there’s a ghost in my stead.

I asked You to break me

But didn’t know what it meant

Now I know what it means

And now I am spent.

Miss You

Autumn is making

Its way to the trees,

And half of a lonely

September agrees.

But in my hard hurting

Mind I can see.

That if I fall

It won’t be with the leaves.

If one more minute

Life would allow

I’d tell you to cherish

Forever and now

Time given to you.

Love given in need.

But forget moments

That aren’t yours, I plead.

I gave you so much

Just give me back this:

The pleasure, the bruises,

And each treasured kiss.

My Turn

When my turn comes

-I know it will-

I’ll mask a smile

Walk over the hill

When my turn comes,

Right down the road

I’ll kick my shoes

And drop my load

When my turn comes,

If then or now,

I’ll race the wind;

Make willows bow.

When my turn comes,

Maybe today

Pay your respects

I’ve naught to say.

Shadow of Death

Time has rendered the moon's rings soft 

The clock is ticking in heaven's loft

Below, the cool lit wintry scape

Crouches with its mouth agape.

The mountains stark against the sky

Obscure the depths from traveler's eye.

The valleys covered o'er with mist

The moonbeams fail their earth - bound tryst

Stars are hidden; their pulsing heat

Lends no aid to wandering feet.

Cold increasing- no warmth is left.

Courage ceasing- of hope bereft.

The forest cowers under moaning wind

Deceitful strains to peace rescind.

Vilest valley, shade of death

Stealing faith and stilling breath.

I’ve Been Thinking Lately

I’m pretty sure that all I can do

Is make an effort to pray for you

I can’t make you feel loved

I can’t make you try

I just hope you don’t hurt

‘Cause I would know why.

I’m lonely whenever

I think about you

I thought I knew you

And maybe I did

But maybe you’ve changed

Or maybe you hid.

I try to redeem you

With good memories

They come slowly and few

Some are lowly and dark

But I understand

That they’ve hit their mark.

My pride for this life

Has slowly died in our strife

Invincibility of childhood

Has failed my heart

I remember enough

To go back to the start

The pain that I live with

The hurt that endures

May only grow stronger

May fade with the years

I just hope you know

Love runs with my tears.

Monument

I don’t want a square one that will sink into cold ground

I do not want a tower above a sinking mound

I don’t want a palace or a choir singing ‘round

I want to be the ocean, I hear the peaceful sound.

I don’t particularly care for all the black that people wear

I guess it’s ‘cause I know that I’m going somewhere fair.

Don’t put me in a grave where the rain will wet my hair

Just set my heart aflame, with love, and lift me to the air.

Instead of carrying me slowly down into a black earth hole,

Instead of making me a monument to show my lowly role,

Make my monument the sky and my resting place the sea

Make your tears a celebration; your words my memory.

Towel

Step, and lock the door.

Lose my balance and sit down.

I reach out, throw my hands,

Asking for invisible hands to catch,

My hands land on the floor.

My towel hangs on a hook.

I wish for it to envelop

To return my hug

As I shake, shake and sink.

My eyes are green with dry tears.

Saintpaulia

~2005~

Saintpaulia sitting on the sill, how beautiful you are!

Growing there since I was a babe, but never said "au revoir."

What is your secret oh bud of my youth? “Patience by God alone.

“Tastefully seeking for water of life, for God, I have grown.”

~2014~

Saintpaulia, you died; you have slowly given up the faith.

I never thought you would, my dear, I thought you’d always stay.

“Not given up the faith, my dear; your faith should be in God.

None can live forever here, but by His faithfulness I’m awed.”

Years have torn it from bitter hands, Saintpaulia my dear,

Yet so in death you still remained without a trace of fear?

You’re dead and I have wretched life; you’re awed and I’m a mess;

And yet you teach me, nature’s queen, of God and nothing less.

Let others do what they may do, I know what’s right and wrong.

I plan on taking what you’ve said, I’ve known it all along.

You grew up with me; you knew the truth I’d have to see.

Truth imparted, your purpose done - now no more you’ll be.

Winter

I don’t remember the order of days.

I can’t start to see a way through this maze.

Forget me, forget me, I’ll just fade away.

My promises passing away in the haze.

Sky-tall it seems to stand up like doom.

At bright cotton clouds, its flurries they loom.

I can’t stand up tall in this minuscule room.

I'm finally realizing the world’s a tomb.

Dismay me, I dare you. I dare you to move.

I can’t even cry and I have nothing to prove.

There is nothing worse; can nothing improve?

Except for my life, to snuff or remove.

Prepare yourself, darling, I’m leaving my clay.

I don’t mean to leave you in any dismay.

I pray understanding won’t lead you astray,

But lead you to memories upon which to prey.

Performing this life-long skit isn’t for me.

I moved off from palaces and on to debris.

I’d rather not fake, and I don’t want to flee.

But there is nothing here that I can foresee.

I’m framing a picture of me in your mind.

Pretend that I’m smiling, or perhaps that you’re blind.

Pretend that I’m free, instead of tightly confined.

Pretend I’m remaining, not leaving you behind.

I didn’t mean to.

I’m sorry I did.

It wasn’t for you;

Farewell I bid.

I drew this on my biochemistry notes...