Everything

 I have given up everything to you. I have asked you to break me down until there is nothing left. And you did. And the world did.
She stomped on me. She stomped on us. And she cried and broke my heart. Because the love that binds us is a ghost that cries out with each memory​, and her tears pull me to the ground and stand on my neck because I can't love and I can't hate.

My dreams left or were crushed. Some dreams became burdens instead of wings. Heavy weights upon a broken back. The dreams I thought you gave me I gave you back, because I felt your hand held out for them. And my inheritance- I only saw the weakness. I saw the hopelessness. I can only see the tunnel. Is there a light?

And I ask to see the light and like a hand held over my eyes I am allowed to walk into wall after wall.

And through it all they kept talking. They said you said so much. But they said too much. Some didn't say too much, instead avoided me altogether.

You said I was to have hope. You said I was to give hope to others. You said the Nations were mine. You said I would be a mother. But here I am waiting. Waiting on you.

And I stopped waiting. And I got distracted. So I need to refocus. It is so hard to focus on things that aren't as real to you as pain. And it's hard to want love when the pain becomes who you think you are.

But you are good. And I believe that with my whole being. So please come. Fill me up again. Drain out all these words and teach me a new story. Dust off the book. Let's start over.

Fade

I'll fade out slowly
Don't want to hurt you now
A friend couldn't have been better
But I'll remember I vow

Now I know there's something deep
Inside the Venn our lives have had
But darlin’ you should let me go
Silently, so you won't be sad.

Precious face staring at the stars
We had so many good times
And I'll always wink at your heart
Because I know how it rhymes

And I'll watch you grow up
And I'll watch you smile
And I'll watch til I know that
You haven't thought of me for awhile

And I'll fade out slowly
So the light can shine again
On the lives of those around me
Remove my shadow and my rain.

Dance in the raindrops
And add to them with tears
Til my lonely spirit fills the air
And my body fills the years.

I'll fade so you don't notice,
I'll fade out right away
And so when you forget me
It'll free another ray

Shine on my darling sunlight,
Let droplets catch your rays
Bring color to the atmosphere
And forget me all your days.

Meant

You hurt me cause you were hurt yourself
You hurt me because you had no one else.
It's alright to be twisted and hurt inside
When they all say it's not enough to try

When your best is never the right way
And your mistakes always fail their day
So you try again and do your best,
But still can't keep up with the rest.

Then you don't try your best anymore
Because you are tired, weary, and sore
So you're guilty for not and guilty for,
And nothing can help, so you back away from the door.

You go inside yourself, cause that's where you're free
To be who you are, who He made you to be.
And they mock your silence, and you hurt again,
But your hurt doesn't hurt as much as holding their hand

So you let go, face up, and outwards to all
But let those who know they know everything fall
You don't know much, but some is enough
And you may be hard, but your heart's not all tough.

There are plenty of tears to be made that still wait
For their precious chance to help determine your fate
And there are plenty of smiles to give and to take
But if you're like me, you're done with the fake.

It's alright to leave, it's alright to stay
It's alright to say that you are not okay
It's alright to say no, it's alright to say yes
Its alright to believe, it's alright to confess.

So don't let them bottle you up in a jar
That doesn't fit the shape of who you are.
But don't hurt others, because someone hurt you
Just ignore them and do what you're meant to do.

Go

Creaky wheel I will follow
You're in my dreams
I dream til morn,
Of frigid mountain streams

Waywardly again til hollow
I carve the road
And stop to stare
At each butterfly and toad

Misty o'er the lake's rills mellow
A shallow rift
I try to watch
Each shadow slowly lift

Zephyr makes the dawn its fellow
And shivering
I pull close
To you, my sweater, whispering

Speak Slow

You're a baby in a man's body
You've never had to fight
The battle always stayed away
 And you have always been right.

But baby don't you come
To the place you thought was home
Cause it'll be a lot harder
Than the paths you already roam.

You look down your nose at me
Your wisdom overwhelms
I've crawled down the paths of life
You've flown past each hard realm

I cringe at every word you speak
Each humble exortation
Because whether right or wrong its wrong
When you have no compassion.

Everybody has hard times,
And everyone thinks they know.
Yours are quite a bit different than mine,
So when you speak, speak slow.

Windowsill

Your life is on the up and up

Mine is dripping down the windowsill

Catching dust as the drops

Seep into the mildewed cracks

I peek around the corner and brace myself to find

My dreams were true

And all is not well

So I wish in the well that used to be

And carry the dreams 

I used to have like burdens

Instead of wings

But I'll carry them

If just to let them die

In the right time and place

And get old with them

Watch sunsets and sigh

But avoid mirrors and my face

And I'll come home in many years

You'll all be old

And I'll have stories

To tell the dust 

Streaked windowpanes

Hold

Is it not the greatest thing,
not to be held, but to hold?
And if given enough to hold,
I might be okay not being held?
Then give me many of your own to hold,
and then hold me with your arms,
whose strength never sways,
never in storm or calm.
Is it not better, since the strength of man
can not even exceed the strength
of a newborn vole
lest you hold his arms?
I shall direct the longings of my heart toward you,
and wish and imagine them around me,
If you yet find the desire to keep me to yourself,
My heart is yours, and it shall find its way to no one else;
but I beg that you let me feel your arms encircling me-
and that the shivers that remind me no mortal will come-
you'd let them earthquake out of me
into the deepest earth's core.
Take my dreams,
so that the one who has been forever caught in them
will be freed to dance away
til all is forgotten and dead,
and I, I shall live and hold and die.

Unfolding

Sheathed in emerald shining cone

But peeking through to gaze

Upon the glittered, folding hues

Cloaked by morning's haze

Birthed from bitterness to doubt

Disquieted soul be shaken

Make ready, let quietus come

To some, and let others awaken.

Then lilting phrase arose to flight

And cast it's congenial spell

Upon each wretched, dismal bud

To witness each one swell

Their shawls removed and scattered

They unfold to hail the breeze

Their bright hearts on a rude display

Vulnerable just to please

And yet they sleep in fragrance

Their repose is soft and slight

Their purpose in the breath they have

Lies underneath their light.

Their moment ends in turmoil

In sweeping rains or gale

And yet their wombs will soon emerge

With fruit which will prevail

Growing Up

Separate and go our ways

I said it couldn't be

You knew that life can let one down

And tried to make me see.

Then one of us took the right road

And to the other, left was right

We'd send each other letters

But don't know what to write.

You also said that time will go

And often we forget

Important things will fade and change.

But I still recall you yet.

I liked to think the paths we tread

Would intertwine once more

To sit under stars and remember

And talk just like before.

But here I am now in the rain

It's dripping down my face

And I'll never see you again

Gone without a trace.

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Leaving Our Lees

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Hug me when I leave you
'Cause I may not be back
My shoes are complaining of the cold
And the road is right on track

I've written this song to you
Remind you it's alright
We decided it would be okay
We both left that same night

As long as it's not forever,
I'm glad you'll get the chance,
Remember that eternity
Is part of this old dance.

I've stepped out to the north wind
Cast my net out in the seas
Your hand is not holding me
And I've left behind the lees

With ancients underneath me
Wherever I may go
your words tenderly floating
In the wind and rills I row

I'll pace myself to see the air
To see each sunset ride
Underneath the clouds to bed
On to the other side

Dreams I wake to- will tell the day
What it's fill should be
And perhaps they'll let us join again
In dreamland, you and me.

I look lost but, my dear, I'm not
I'll choose each step with care
My passion will not lose its fire
I'll have enough to share.

I hope you take the time you need
And tarry o'er each hill
But try to come with stories
Knowing you, you will.

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Awaken

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Sharply cold, the waves are breaking,
Smashing walls of seething ice

Spraying shards from peaks and asking
What ugly ransom could suffice?

Only You can lift my anchor
Only You sustain in grief
I'm powerless and prone to wander
But you sail past my unbelief.

Passion's fire that I was missing
I had dropped along the way
In the sea beyond the moonlight
In the densest foggy gray

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

You return to me the fire
Though stormy waves, it's been rebuilt
My eyes have found your tenderness
Though without a drop of guilt

And then the gentle snow starts falling
And you inspire my song again
I wait for rays of sun to glitter
On the white and shining glen

Here we are to stay til springtime
Watching as the snow feeds streams

That come from mountaintops to gather
In the lakes, o'er bright mist gleams

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Stay and watch as buds awaken
And reach out to the warming air
Coax them from their sheltered haven
Tendrils climbing, sleek and fair

The copse is standing at attention
As Shepherd leaps from crag to ridge
His feet are able and stride immense
From dreams to life He builds a bridge

He'll shape my lowly feet to be
As strong and nimble as His own
Like hinds that spring to reach the cliffs
We'll climb as one, His strength alone.

Picture taken by Sean Smith Copyright 2017 

Together

Dancing in a straight but jagged line

Here and there, switching partners every dance

Smiling at the lonely girl in the corner

And asking her to dance; we dance.

Smoothing my friend’s hair.

Holding the lady’s baby

While she danced with Her husband.

I just kept doing what was in my heart.

The barrenness of the earth I watered

With tears and with laughter

I trudged through mud and wilderness

Just to dance again at this Joy

Because I knew that He would be there.

He adopted me into His family.

In His eyes, I could see a princess reflected.

I heard the footsteps.

He walked up and tapped my shoulder

The warmth of his touch made me face Him

“May I have this dance?”

I knew those eyes, I knew that face.

His breath was sweet.

I looked in His eyes, kind and glowing.

This was the first time I'd seen so clearly.

As I looked, the rest faded.

He swept me away with Him.

He told me that it was time to go.

We would go home together.

But the sweetness of His breath

Took the bitterness of parting away.

There was nothing but love

In the air, and in my heart.

What could I do but follow Him?

It was He who held my heart before

Because He didn’t reserve

He gave it all.

And now it could not be separated

I am one with Him.

He danced with me and brought me

To a castle He had prepared

He showed me pictures on the walls

The ones He loved

They weren’t pictures, they were moments.

They were captured moments from my life,

And the things I had done.

The acceptance in the heart

Of the girl I danced with

The refreshment of the husband and wife

The fresh air of the plants that grew

From the dust that had been watered.

He had watched. He had known.

And He had been faithful.

Then I saw a picture of tears.

It was a waterfall, because I had left.

And through my own tears

I looked up at Him again.

And He looked down at me.

I said, “I know you’ll take care of them.

I am happy here with You.”

He said “I will heal their hearts.

I have purposes for them.”

And He showed me those plans.

They were beautiful.

And he dried my tears,

And we walked together.

Hand in hand.

Up the hill, and back down.

We are together.

Morning

In the morning as we rise,

Though the sun has already come

Let us look ahead to the prize

Of a day when the race has been won.

As we wake we request of Wisdom

That She be restored to our hearts

Upon Whose return we may come

To the fork where the right path starts

The brambles we've come through

Where we stumbled and fell

In our straying from everything true

Here we do not want to dwell.

As Youve waited and watched all night

You've kept us safe from all wrong

With excitement You wait for the light

And for us to wake with a song

So give us the words You have stored

Ones you kept from being our dreams

You wanted us to know You had poured

Those rivers into our streams.

I'm thankful for Your words today

I'm thankful to wake to Your smile

Let me not be the only one to say

I'd like to just stay with You awhile.

Temporal or Timeless?

Time, on its own, is nothing. Space, energy, and matter similarly would be nothing if they were alone; however, time, space, energy, and matter together make up most of what we see and acknowledge. Many would simplify this to space-time and energy/matter, but many would also argue that it is oversimplified already and begin to talk about quantum fields and dark matter. So, in order to talk about time in itself, one must assume that it is from a distorted viewpoint, simply because the other parts of what exists and intertwines are not taken into account.

Time is a line segment. Not a line; a line segment. It stretches forward and backward continuously, but only to some point on either end. Neither of these points is known. To our knowledge, physical man has not existed outside of time, and so we must assume that we are travelling along this line segment at a constant speed, there being no bending of this time-line segment unless it is supernatural, and no acceleration or deceleration.

Now comes the question: do we feel (or are we) at home inside of that time-line segment, and why or why not? Here is a verse to consider:

2 Cor 4:18 “While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

I believe that the part of who we are that is physical, or seen, is temporal. Likewise, the spiritual and unseen part is eternal. The reason, other than my belief in God and the writings found in the Bible, is best stated through a quote by C. S. Lewis:

“A wish may lead to false beliefs, granted. But what does the existence of the wish suggest? At one time I was much impressed by Arnold’s line, “Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.” But surely, tho’ it doesn’t prove that one particular man will get food, it does prove that there is such a thing as food! i.e. if we were a species that didn’t normally eat, weren’t designed to eat, would we feel hungry? You say the materialist universe is “ugly.” I wonder how you discovered that! If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it that you don’t feel at home there? Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Of if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures? Notice how we are perpetually surprised at Time. (“How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up & married! I can hardly believe it!”) In heaven’s name, why? Unless, indeed, there is something in us which is not temporal.” [p.90]

The quote demonstrates that we are often not at home inside this time-line segment, arguing that our surprise at the quickness of time’s fading is a result of our spirit-man’s innate eternal tendencies. The eternal part of our being is much more important, and also much bigger, in a way. If the spiritual man leaves the body, the body no longer lives. The spirit on its own however, lives on in eternity. The spirit can live within time, but also lives outside of time. “God has put eternity in our hearts” is not a simple quote and a very true one!

If then we are mostly eternal beings, living in time, why does the temporal exaggerate itself, and why does the eternal seem so far away? I believe that our eternal nature is hidden from us so that we do not long for it and discredit time. Not only that, but we ourselves, by how we live, determine how much we live in eternity. If we live like eternal beings, only listening to God and doing as He says, then we may find ourselves living a life less governed by time, but may be occasionally more surprised by it, as it still controls our physical beings in a way.

This leads us to another question. Does eternity continue with time or is it the rest of the continuum of time outside of the ends of the line segments? In other words, are eternity and time happening at the same time? I believe eternity is outside of time, not the rest of the line-segment, but a completely different entity. They are both happening as you read this paper. Eternal life can be begun while the spirit is confined to the body, which is confined to time, because the spirit of man connects with the Spirit of God, becoming one with Him Who is eternal. Each time-moment that we attain while one with God, in complete unity, becomes an everlasting moment, living on in eternity; likewise, those moments in which we are not in sync with Him remain simply temporal and become frozen with the rest of the past. Again, a C. S. Lewis quote to give life to this concept:

“Son,'he said,' ye cannot in your present state understand eternity...That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why...the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven, : and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.”

To conclude, we are not, or should not, be completely comfortable in time, unless we live as though time is second to eternity, just like our physical bodies are second to our spirits.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-15 “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away. ”